Andy Bernard, played by Ed Helms, is known for his quirky personality and memorable lines on the hit TV show “The Office.” Here are 52 of his best quotes that showcase his unique blend of enthusiasm, insecurity, and occasional wisdom. From his passionate musings on life and love to his offbeat humor and memorable catchphrases, Andy Bernard’s quotes continue to resonate with fans of the show and serve as a reminder of the character’s enduring appeal.
Andy Bernard Quotes
1- “I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.” – Andy Bernard
2- “Mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault.” – Andy Bernard
3- “I’m not Rumpelstiltskin Jim. I can’t keep spinning gold out of your shit!” – Andy Bernard
4- There are two things I am passionate about: recycling and revenge. – Andy Bernard
5- “Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.” – Andy Bernard
6- “I haven’t proposed to anyone in years.” – Andy Bernard
7- “It’s gotta rhyme with “piece.” Fancy Feast! Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast!” – Andy Bernard
8- “My parents used to scramble to find babysitters, so they could take my little brother to do stuff.” – Andy Bernard
9- “He may have won the battle but I… will win the next battle.” – Andy Bernard
10- “I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.” – Andy Bernard
11- “In my family, we don’t really go out and get things. We put them on a list and Rosa goes and gets them.” – Andy Bernard
12- “I think I said doop instead of boop at one point.” – Andy Bernard
13- “You give me a gift? Bam! Thank You note. You invite me somewhere? Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor? Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.” – Andy Bernard
14- “Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing.” – Andy Bernard
15- “Yeah so life gives you lemons and you just have to eat them rinds and all. And if you don’t want to eat them your ex girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend.” – Andy Bernard
16- “Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood!” – Andy Bernard
17- “Toby, it’s a joke. How are you not murdered every hour?” – Andy Bernard
18- “All right, fine. Just know that you made me do this.” – Andy Bernard
19- “Sorry I annoyed you with my FRIENDSHIP!” – Andy Bernard
20- “Toby! Hey, I changed my mind again. I am gonna leave Dunder Mifflin to pursue acting after all.” – Andy Bernard
21- “I’m petrified of nipple chafing. One it starts, it’s a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. It’s a tough one. Gotta take precautions.” – Andy Bernard
22- “At my last head shot sitting, I was so distracted wondering what I was missing at work that I came across totally manic. And I was going for zany.” – Andy Bernard
23- “Michael, am I gay?” – Andy Bernard
24- What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.” – Andy Bernard
25- “You can’t let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. ‘Oh I like your dress, but I’d like it more if you had prettier hair.’” – Andy Bernard
26- “Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.” – Andy Bernard
27- “Shut up Dad. I’m taller than you!” – Andy Bernard
28- “Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.” – Andy Bernard
29- “THE FIRE IS SHOOTING AT US!” – Andy Bernard
30- “The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.” – Andy Bernard
31- Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It’s so powerful, even a lot of men can’t resist a man singing show tunes. – Andy Bernard
32- “Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom. Mike. Nifty! They are nifty!” – Andy Bernard
33- “Andrew Bernard doesn’t lose contests, he wins them… or he quits them for being unfair.” – Andy Bernard
34- “And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and hello.” – Andy Bernard
35- “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you actually left them.” – Andy Bernard
36- “I’m talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let’s get high on our own supply!” – Andy Bernard
37- “I’m the Nard-Dog. The Nard-Man is my father.” – Andy Bernard
38- “New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I’m the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.” – Andy Bernard
39- “If I had to put Dwight’s chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.” – Andy Bernard
40- “Guys, word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don’t get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.” – Andy Bernard
41- “How do I find out if a girl is interested? Great question. I usually just assume that they’re not.” – Andy Bernard
42- “Golden Girls. That’s a golden ticket idea, right? How great was that show? Golden Grahams, another- Is it? I don’t get this.” – Andy Bernard
43- “William Doolittle at your service. A.K.A. Will Do.” – Andy Bernard
44- “Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When’s the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?” – Andy Bernard
45- “Oh, it’s on. Like a prawn who yawns at dawn.” – Andy Bernard
46- “I am a man. I’m a bigger man than you’ll ever be! I would never sleep with another man’s fiancee!” – Andy Bernard
47- “You’re the deuce I never wanna drop.” – Andy Bernard
48- “Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them because they’re unfair.” – Andy Bernard
49- “I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.” – Andy Bernard
50- “I found the best “tentist” on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani’s first and third weddings. And I got him. I got him!” – Andy Bernard
51- “What I wouldn’t give for one of Phyllis’s classic room clearing farts right now.
52- I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has, my brain, which I use to my advantage when advantageous. – Andy Bernard