Looking for the best Two and a Half Men quotes? Look no further! We’ve curated a list of the top 40 quotes from this hilarious sitcom. From Charlie Harper’s witty one-liners to Alan Harper’s neurotic musings, these quotes are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud. Dive into the world of Two and a Half Men and relive the most memorable moments with this collection of the show’s best quotes. Get ready for a dose of laughter and nostalgia!
Two and a Half Men Tv Series Quotes
Alan Harper: “I’d rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise, than king of a urine-soaked, fire-trap next to Burbank Airport!”
Berta: “Well, I spend most of my days looking at dirty toilets, and those Rorschach tests you call bed sheets.”
Lyndsey: “Rhymes with duck.”
Rose: “When your psyche gets iffy, you can’t get a stiffy.”
Charlie: “My name is Charlie, and, um, my maid says I’m a sex addict”
Alan Harper: “I watch one donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the rest of my life!”
Charlie: “Congratulations, Alan… your son is officially pastry-whipped.”
Alan Harper: “Winning!”
Charlie: “I either drank too much, or got hit by a train”
Charlie: “Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman”.
Evelyn Harper: “Oh sweetheart, take it from me, spending time with one’s children is greatly overrated.”
Charlie: “My mom took my temperature the baby way until I was eight years old”
Charlie Harper: “What profit a man, if he escapes the iron shackles of matrimony, only to surrender to the sexually-frustrated tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife.”
Evelyn : “Confession may be good for the soul, but for marriage, it’s a hot, lead enema.”
Jake Harper : “No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don’t need a wife.”
Charlie Harper: “So you’re gonna spend the rest of your life spraying your head like it’s a freeway underpass?”
Evelyn Harper: “I think God gives us children so death won’t come as *such* a disappointment.”
Charlie Harper: “Hey, people who live in fat asses, shouldn’t throw waffles.”
Berta: “Charlie, Alan, I’d like you to meet my youngest daughter, Naomi, the light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from heaven and landed on a married man’s penis.”
Berta: “The quiet ones are always the freaks.”
Rose: “When your sink is clogged, you call a plumber. When your car breaks down, you call a mechanic. When you have a dangerous psychopath after you, you call me.”
Jake : “I love sleeping so much sometimes I even dream about it.”
Alan Harper: “I’m not gay. I’m literate and urbane and that confuses people.”
Alan: “Show me the better!”
Alan Harper: “I’m Alan Harper, and I am not having sex!”
Evelyn Harper: “Why does anyone want a party? To feel superior while feigning humility!”
Charlie Harper: : “And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.”
Charlie Harper: “It’s just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know.”
Charlie Harper: “Everyone has a little baggage. I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers. You, you’re cheap annoying and no one like you.”
Charlie Harper: “My past is divided between things I can’t remember and things I don’t want to and you’re both.”
Evelyn : “Children are God’s little way of punishing us for having sex.”
Alan : “I’ll give you a hint, I didn’t do the dog people style.”
Alan : “In the dating game, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If superman was a vagina.”
Lyndsey : “There’s not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire between my legs.”
Alan : “That is one talented lady; and by talented… I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.”
Jake : “Don’t worry about me, worry about our nation’s enemies.”
Alan : “Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.”
Alan : “Come on Sam, time is money and you are out of both.”
Walden : “My penis is like Santa Claus, I don’t have to see it, I just need to believe it exists.”