Looking for the best “The Simpsons” quotes? Look no further! This collection features 120 of the greatest quotes from the iconic TV show. From Homer’s hilarious one-liners to Bart’s mischievous remarks, this list has it all. Whether you’re a die-hard fan or just looking for a good laugh, these quotes are guaranteed to entertain. Don’t miss out on the wit and humor of “The Simpsons” – check out the best quotes now!
Ultimate The Simpsons Trivia Quiz
The Simpsons Quotes
Bart Simpson: “I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try”
Homer : “When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power… Like god must feel when he’s holding a gun.”
Homer : “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.”
Homer : “Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip! “
Grandpa Simpson : “Dear Mr. President: there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. Ps, I am not a crackpot.”
Comic Book Guy : “Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
Townspeople : “We’re here! We’re queer! We don’t want any more bears! “
Bart : “I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.”
Bart Simpson: “Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.”
Mr. Burns : “Ironic, isn’t it smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.”
Homer Simpson : “Stupid sexy Flanders! “
Homer : “What’s the point of going out? We’re just gonna wind up back here anyway.”
Chief Wiggum : “This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a…car of some sort, heading in the direction of…you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.”
Grampa Simpson : “Homer, you’re as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it! “
Homer : English, who needs that? I’m never going to england”
Kent Brockman : “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: democracy simply doesn’t work.”
Nelson Muntz : “Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark”
Kent Brockman : “Things aren’t as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.”
Kent Brockman : “Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick’s Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?”
Chief Wiggum : “If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake.”
Marge Simpson: “I don’t mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you’re taking a shower”
Homer : “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.”
Lionel Hutz : “Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidently” with “repeatedly,” and replace “dog” with “son.” “
Mr. Burns : “I don’t like being outdoors, smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children”
Mr. Largo : “Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word “tromboner”? “
Moe the Bartender : “I’ve been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.”
Grampa Simpson : “I’m filled with piss and vinegar! At first, I was just filled with vinegar.”
Barney Gumble : “Jesus must be spinning in his grave!”
Mr. Burns: “Oops, lost a nail. Well, that’s leprosy for you”
Bart Simpson : “I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.”
Ralph Wiggum : “Chocolate microscopes?”
Homer : “To alcohol! The cause of – and the solution to – all life’s problems!”
Homer :“I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.”
Moe the Bartender : “Science. What’s science ever done for us? TV off.”
Homer Simpson: “You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning”
Bart Simpson : “Priceless like a mother’s love, or the good kind of priceless? “
Homer : “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me superman.”
Homer Simpson : “I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.”
Mayor Quimby : “Oh, dear God. Can’t this town go one day without a riot?”
Homer : “It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.”
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: “I can’t believe you don’t shut up! “
Sherri or Terri : “I’m so hungry, I could eat at Arby’s.”
Lionel Hutz : “This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie the never ending story.”
Dr. Nick Riviera : “Inflammable means flammable? What a country”
Drunk Mr. Rogers : “What do you mean I can’t take off my sweater? I’m HOT! “
Fat Tony :” I don’t get mad, I get stabby.”
Kent Brockman : “I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.”
Homer Simpson : “Oh boy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk!”
Bart : “There’s only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!”
Hank Scorpio : “Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there’s a pair for you. Don’t like them? Then neither do I! [throws them out the door] Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe? “
Lisa Simpson : “I’d be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it”
Chief Wiggum : “Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city”
Ned Flanders : “Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all…nothing at all…nothing at all!”
Milhouse Van Houten : “Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. Then why’d I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? “
Homer :”Just once I’d like someone to call me ‘sir’ without adding ‘you’re making a scene.'”
Bart Simpson : “As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade.”
Homer Simpson : “Another day, another box of stolen pens”
Krusty the Clown: “Ahh, there’s nothing better than a cigarette… unless it’s a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill”
Krusty the Clown : “Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts? “
Bart Simpson : “Homer, your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.”
Moe : “Well, I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuff’s loaded with nutrients. I… I can’t compete with that stuff.”
Bart Simpson : “Mom, Dad, just so you don’t hear any wild rumors, I’m being indicted for fraud in Australia.”
Moe the Bartender: “Hey, everybody! I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and…I like to kiss my own butt.”
Kent Brockman : “How can I prove we’re live? Penis! “
Lisa Simpson : “That’s very nice, Dad, but it’s wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it’s a fatherly gesture of love”
Homer Simpson : “Save me, Jebus! “
Homer, Bart, and Marge : “You don’t win friends with salad.”
Grampa Simpson : “My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.”
Lisa Simpson : “They want sentiment? I’ll pump ’em so full of sap they’ll have to blow their nose with a pancake!”
Ralph Wiggum : “Me fail english? That’s unpossible!”
Lisa Simpson : “I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She’s a sweet, kind reverend’s daughter and you’re the devil’s cabana boy”
Mayor Quimby : “People, please. We’re all frightened and horny, but we can’t let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring”!
Jasper : “Talking out of turn…that’s a paddling. Looking out the window…that’s a paddling. Staring at my sandals…that’s a paddling. Paddling the school canoe…ooh, you better believe that’s a paddling”
Future Bart Simpson : “I wash myself with a rag on a stick”
Üter Zorker : “Don’t make me run. I’m full of chocolate.”
Lisa Simpson : “Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.”
Kent Brockman : “A philanthropist. A humanitarian. A man of peace. These are just a few of the men who have come to spit on Montgomery Burns’ grave.”
Lisa Simpson : “A man who envies our family is a man who needs help”
Homer Simpson : “I’m trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron! “
Lisa Simpson : “Don’t you see? Getting what you want all time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.”
Professor Frink : “Ha ha wha. Oh, sorry I’m late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Wh-ha ha.”
Lisa Simpson : “Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren’t the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don’t you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?”
Grandpa : “I used to be with it, but then they changed what ‘it’ was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary to me.”
Ralph Wiggum : “My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”
Homer: “To start, press any key. Where’s the ANY key?”
Milhouse Van Houten : “But look! I got some cool pogs: Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He’s back…in pog form! “
Mr. Burns: “Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you”
Mr. Burns : “This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they’ll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let’s see. It was the best of times, it was the “blurst” of times! You stupid monkey!”
Milhouse Van Houten : “Everything’s coming up Milhouse.”
Grampa Simpson : “I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me”
Homer : “Yes! ‘Crisitunity”
Homer : “When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off. “
Homer : “No matter how good you are at something, there’s always about a million people better than you.”
Troy McClure : “Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid.” “
Homer : “Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins”
Homer : “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.”
Grandpa Simpson : “I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s it seems scary and wierd. It’ll happen to you.”
Homer : “Going cold turkey isn’t as delicious as it sounds.”
Homer Simpson: “Wait a minute. Bart’s teacher is named ‘Krabappel’? Oh, I’ve been calling her ‘Crandall.’ Why didn’t anyone tell me? Ohhh, I’ve been making an idiot out of myself! “
Homer : “A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get to one!”
Bart Simpson: “My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of…malk? “
Homer : “Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter”
Bart Simpson : “There’s only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut! “
Homer : “You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.”
Homer : “Everything lasts forever”
Milhouse Van Houten : “Trust me, Bart, it’s better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them.”
Homer : “What kind of a sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?”
Homer : “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand”
Homer : “Why can’t you people learn to speak my language? I learned to eat your food!”
Homer Simpson : “Now we play the waiting game…Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos!”
Homer : “All I want is what everyone wants: preferential treatment.”
Homer : “Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.”
Homer : “In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!”
Mayor Quimby: “Chat away. I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards. “
Homer : “Look. Just give me some inner peace, or I’ll mop the floor with ya.”
Homer : “Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog. “
Homer : “Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, kent. 14% of people know that”
Homer : “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”
Homer : “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
Homer : “My pudding is trapped forever”
Chief Wiggum: “I’d rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them”